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My Model S has ruined cars for me.

Discussion in 'Model S' started by SabrToothSqrl, Nov 12, 2015.

  1. SabrToothSqrl

    SabrToothSqrl Active Member

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    #1 SabrToothSqrl, Nov 12, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2015
    So, here's the problem. I am, or was, a gear head. My Model S… has ruined all other cars, and possibly myself. If it was mechanical or technical, I had to tear it down, inspect it, and understand every nut, wire, carburetor, pump, display and more. This story will be long enough without a back story, so I’ll keep it short. I’m a Tesla Model S owner. For the past nine months I’ve been enjoying my incredibly quick, quiet, safe, intergalactic space boat of light and wonder. Until one day when a mean old Ford Escape merged in a gap that would only fit an even older, and even meaner, Geo Metro. I thought I loved my car. I thought it was the most amazing thing since the iPhone, with sliced bread being invented long before I was born. Then my world was torn apart by the damage to my S. A bumper. I think. Maybe some other parts, don’t know, don’t particularly care. The point is I have been without my space boat for almost two weeks and like a heroin addict looking for that quick fix, I’ve been slowly rotting away inside. My soul has been crushed. Defeated if you will by the horrendous act of operating a gasoline fueled automobile. I won’t go into specifics of the make and model of this antique transportation device, as it’s not its fault it’s broken. For too long the mass production of automobiles has been ‘good enough’, or in Land Rover engineering “that’ll do”. But, again, that’s another story.
    This story is the ruination of all automobiles. Upon attempting to enter this auto I had to push a button. Even though the key fob was in my pocket. I was aggravated, but understood, having operating something similar in the before time. Henceforth known as BT. Before Tesla. Once granted access to this horseless carriage I again was befuddled at the steps I’d long forgotten. “Starting” the car. Vague memories of annoying easily broken parts such as starters, alternators, and spark plugs came flooding back. I had to DO something. The car was waiting for ME to do something. I didn’t get in this car to paint my house. I didn’t get in this car to take a walk. I got in it, to go somewhere. Apparently this was news to the car. So, I had to push a button labeled START. What a terrifying experience. Lights, buzzers, noises, vibrations. I thought something had exploded somewhere. No, luckily it was just roughly 1,000 moving parts all slowing beginning to move in random directions, waiting for the most inopportune time to fail. I quietly as possible, as not to disturb the noises the car was making, adjusted the mirrors and attempted to get under way.
    Within two miles I needed something to drown out the random noises of a slowly wearing out mechanical device. The radio I thought! But this was ‘radio’ radio. Not commercial free on demand digitally delivered music, but instead something my grandparents must have listened to. There was a knob involved. Apparently “FM” deciphered, means “knob that adjusts between static and commercials with static”. This however was no ordinary knob. This knob was located in an area with roughly 46 other buttons. I’d count them, but seriously, gave up around 40. There was even a “number pad” on the car. What’s a number? Who calls a number” I press “wife” and magically I’m connected to a woman who claims to be able to put up with me. I don’t know what numbers these are, but they look useless to me.

    Thankfully! I found a screen. A nice big screen in the car that will surely help me out. I touched the part that said NAV. Nothing. I touched again. Nothing. I thought to myself, wow, this must be one of those ‘lookin’ screens I’d heard about. Before the whole touch thing was invented…even though this car was a 2015, it must have come off the assembly line before the whole iPhone craze. Back to the knobs. And buttons. So many freaking buttons. Even non Tesla Owners quickly became befuddled at the buttons. Launching a nuclear missile would most likely take fewer buttons. My wife (the woman who endures me), attempted to adjust the cabin temperature. Something someone may do in a car. But alas. It was no use. The car… was in reverse. Somehow the entire 6” screen was now taken up by a blurry, compressed (aspect) image of what was roughly behind the vehicle. No feedback was given to the operator of the temperature control knob. Things may have been changing, may not have been, we will never know, as the car… was in reverse. Reverse must take all the priority! Interestingly, the audio level did decline when the car was in reverse. Something I didn’t mind. I give them credit for that one thing, of the thousand I don’t understand.
    We have music (Sirius preview channel)! Now… where to? I know! GPS will save us. Entering an address became an exercise in futility. You input your address with a knob or wheel scrolling the 26 characters and 10 numbers that make up this thing called English. Entering a City such as Pittsburg takes roughly the same amount of time as driving there from Harrisburg. Fortunately for me, the screen makes a perfect spot to hold your iPhone. Setup with WAZE, I was back on my way!
    Tesla has ruined acceleration. This car says sporty. It says soccer mom fun. It’s not. It accelerates like my riding mower. John Deere FTW. You press the pedal, and for the first 2-3” nothing happens. Then suddenly, without warning, noises occur. These noises, followed by what feels like being rear-ended, result in the car lurching forward. Each ‘shift’ results in the car feeling like something is wrong. It does this shifting up and down. Even when barely touching the pedal. Speaking of pedal. There’s another one that’s required quite often. The one that slows you down. This is because the car likes to coast after you remove your foot from the go pedal. This is a terrifying proposition. You feel like something is wrong or you are no longer in control. To regain control you move to the wider pedal. You press it. Nothing. You press harder. Nothing. Finally, after well over a foot of travel, the vehicle slows. Amazing we have the power to slow a vehicle in 2015. Truly we are living in an incredible time.
    The car comes with several safety features designed to annoy the hell out of you, but not actually do anything. The car has a system that can detect when you are about to hit something. It’s been ingeniously tied to the barely functioning brake system. One would think this system would allow the car to avoid crashing into things, saving both itself and the occupants, but no. Apparently that would have been too easy, instead, if you are going to hit something, the car makes random noises, with no visual indication as to if it needs an oil change, or if you should have prepared your will. The car will, attempt to do things to slow you down, like opening the sunroof, but crashing is totally going to happen anyway, so just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ambulance ride.
    I need more lights: Ok, so we have the car ‘on’, radio going, iPhone on GPS duty, and haven’t yet crashed into anything. Several lighted lines vaguely indicate what I think is the remaining go power. Talk about Range Anxiety, I’m going to be on the side of the road dead in 5 lights. I don’t know what 5 lights means, but according to some people, I can stop at a gas station and get some more lights.
    I arrive at what looks like a post-apocalyptic waste land. It smells awful, like burning. I step out of the car and my foot lands in a cross between a milkshake and vomit. I realize the smoke belcher is still ‘on’. I reach back in to press ‘stop’. I am prompted for money and my zip code. Money?! Seriously?! I grab the handle on a germ covered oil soaked metal nozzle. I spend the next 10 minutes moving an explosive, flammable, cancer causing liquid. Not being HAZMAT certified a few drops spill. Luckily it doesn’t faze anyone. $46?! They should be paying me to move this liquid. I think, the smell. The smell of a gas station is what you notice most after not being at one for nine months. People get food here. Not good food, but something called food.
    I have more lights!
    Bottom Line: I want my Model S back, and will further appreciate it and love it every day.
     
  2. Nevek

    Nevek Overt Member

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    I understand. Well said.

    Another casuality is no longer enjoying most car magazines and blogs. As a gear head, part of the pleasure is in reading the latest tests and new car releases. Now if it isn't electric-and most aren't-it just isn't interesting.

    I suppose TMC fills some of the gap.
     
  3. Jhall118

    Jhall118 Member

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    When I was in my accident, I just took the bus and ride-shared everywhere while I waited for my replacement car. Driving something else would have been too painful.
     
  4. BriansTesla

    BriansTesla Old school meets new tech

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    Sorry for your suffering although I certainly enjoyed the above. I really want to know the model of the transport device you are speaking of.
     
  5. Max*

    Max* Autopilot != Autonomous

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    Some cars with touchscreens only allow operation of the touch screen when the car is not in motion.
     
  6. spottyq

    spottyq Member

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    Thanks for the laugh !
     
  7. widodh

    widodh Model S R231 EU

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    Indeed. I don't care anymore about any magazine.

    Bleh, a new ICE, next page, next page, end of magazine.
     
  8. kennybobby

    kennybobby Member

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    Bill Nye, the science guy, was on late night tv talking about energy and climate, etc. When they asked him why drive an EV (tesla), he said that if you ever drive an electric car, you will never go back to gasoline--isn't that the truth...
     
  9. Rockster

    Rockster Active Member

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    So right, and so well well said.

    I recently had a Nissan Altima loaner. Subtracting the few buttons that were common to the Tesla (cruise control, wiper, windows, mirror, etc.) the Altima still had more than 40 additional buttons or knobs for the driver to master. Insanely horrid human/automobile interfacing.
     
  10. Merrill

    Merrill Active Member

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    Until now I thought I was the only OCD car nut that cannot stand to drive my wife's Mercedes suv. Glad I'm not alone I feel so much better.
     
  11. JMG

    JMG Member

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    Great post.

    Like Rockster, I was in a Nissan Altima for a M..O..N..T..H.. while my Model S was being repaired after being backed into. The Enterprise guy had the audacity to say, with a wink and a nod, "I'll go ahead and upgrade you to a Premium for no extra charge." Wow, that was a shock. Dealing with radio stations, cumbersome cruise control, non existent acceleration....I've never wanted a material object back so quickly.

    I think I'd have an easier time if someone gave me a Compaq 233ghZ computer to work on while my office computer was in the shop than dealing with another ICE.

    *Edited to add*

    Another painful recent experience was ICE car shopping with my mother (she couldn't handle all the aspects of owning a Tesla, much to my chagrin). She wound up buying a Porsche Macan. Want to talk about button overload? I think the NASA Discovery Space Shuttle cockpit had fewer:

    9402b_dsc02459.jpg

    2015_Macan_2.png
     
  12. JenniferQ

    JenniferQ Member

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    ^^that was so cool. And I was singing with the choir.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Wow! That's a lot of buttons. Poor mom - she thinks that's easier, but she doesn't know.
     
  13. forumman83

    forumman83 Member

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  14. SW2Fiddler

    SW2Fiddler Bannd Member

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    I am in the same predicament. Didn't even mention the windows. The Window can't be rolled down unless the car is in the "started" mode. What sense does THAT make? The headlights and climate have to come on just so I can roll down the window??

    I miss my Nerdist Podcast addiction. I promise not to whine any more about a couple of extra screen-touches to get to my chosen free streaming content!! I've learned my LESSON!

    Please tell me that my own bumper repair won't take "weeks" like in the original post. Fourth day in the rent-a-relic and I'm thinking of just taking the bus too. They are battery powered after all...
     
  15. SabrToothSqrl

    SabrToothSqrl Active Member

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    I forgot to rant about the windows. The windows in this car, go up and down by these nifty little buttons. When you press the buttons you'd think the windows would move. But no, you get windows that move, with screeching noises on the same level as a Kid Rock concert. I have to hand it to Tesla... if they used 'regular car' power windows, we'd all be deaf by now.
     
  16. kmtl

    kmtl Member

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    Ironically, your post was perfect reading for my lunch while I'm waiting for car max to complete their appraisal for my wife's VW GTI that we don't drive any more since we bought the millennium falcon.

    Used to be a blast to drive that GTI. And I was a total motorhead too...the Tesla ruined all that. Sigh...I know it costs three times as much as the GTI so it should be better, but there isn't another car available that I can see myself choosing for most of my driving.
     
  17. freeewilly

    freeewilly Member

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    So true.

    ICE car is so outdated in my eyes, no matter how much they try to improve, it's just old technology.
     
  18. Rockster

    Rockster Active Member

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    And some non-Tesla people worry that the Tesla touchscreen is a distraction. And the 2,394 buttons and knobs in your ICE vehicle aren't a distraction?!?!?
     
  19. Brit4864

    Brit4864 Member

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    I had the misfortune recently of suffering an ICE for a whole 24hrs. No Model S loaners available so what do I get? A brand new BMW328i. I thought I was in a glorified Ford! It was that bad :scared:
     
  20. Max*

    Max* Autopilot != Autonomous

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    As much as I love my Tesla, this is a silly argument. The buttons are less of a distraction than the touchscreen.

    I can find the button by muscle memory, and while Tesla put all the necessary "buttons" on the touch screen for simple muscle memory usage, volume on the steering wheel, etc. if I need to, for example, turn on the heated steering wheel while driving, I need to hit controls (sure, can be done with muscle memory), then scroll to cold weather, then hit the steering wheel icon, and that icon is small, so there's no way you're doing it by muscle memory. Whereas on an ICE, it's a button somewhere that you just need to feel around for.
     

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