Need opinions - tell me I’m right

[Manbutter]

An argument with the wife today. Need opinions on who is right/wrong.


We had a very good friend and his family come visit us in LA this weekend. Friday, we were all set to go to Disneyland and on the way out the door, he got a phone call: his mom died. He had to fly immediately to NY, get his passport and then fly next day overseas. His wife and 3 kids stayed in LA and decided not to disappoint the children and we all went to Disney. 9:30pm. Everyone exhausted. Time to go home. Here is the argument:

My wife wanted me to make them take an Uber to their hotel in Beverly Hills. I argued that I couldn’t dump them off on their own to find the Uber lot when all their kids were exhausted. I would drive them. My wife says I’m “selfish” for not considering her feelings. She said she and my kid were exhausted and wanted to go home. The added stop to BH took an extra 50 min. Now I’m in the doghouse for doing what I thought was the right thing.

What do you all think?

 

[jjrandorin]

What do you all think?

Since you asked....

I think that nothing said here by a bunch of internet strangers will have any positive outcome on how either you, or your wife feel about the situation, and you two need to work that out (or let it go). Whether a bunch of strangers agree with you, or dont agree with you, wont change the discussion between you two in any positive way.

Thats what I think (again, since you asked).

 

[arnolddeleon]

There is no "right" answer here I think. The most important thing I can add here I think is have you stop thinking there is a right or wrong. I'm commenting here mainly to try offer a different ways to look at situation for both of you. Consider the possibility that you are both and right and wrong.

I think "selfish" is the not the appropriate description for your action. In my view your were generous to your friends family. Your wife and kid unfortunately "paid" a cost for your generosity. You ignored your wife's wishes (which why she probably thinks you were selfish).

Other factors:

How old where kids? Car seats?

Was the discussion between you and your wife public? i.e. Was the other adult was party to it?

Where you hosting or carpooling? Was there an implied plan/arrangement?

Are there different cultural norms at play here?

Anyway I want to emphasize there is not right, just different ways to be wrong.

 

[Tam]

An argument with the wife today. Need opinions on who is right/wrong.


We had a very good friend and his family come visit us in LA this weekend. Friday, we were all set to go to Disneyland and on the way out the door, he got a phone call: his mom died. He had to fly immediately to NY, get his passport and then fly next day overseas. His wife and 3 kids stayed in LA and decided not to disappoint the children and we all went to Disney. 9:30pm. Everyone exhausted. Time to go home. Here is the argument:

My wife wanted me to make them take an Uber to their hotel in Beverly Hills. I argued that I couldn’t dump them off on their own to find the Uber lot when all their kids were exhausted. I would drive them. My wife says I’m “selfish” for not considering her feelings. She said she and my kid were exhausted and wanted to go home. The added stop to BH took an extra 50 min. Now I’m in the doghouse for doing what I thought was the right thing.

What do you all think?

You need to take care of yourself and family first then your friends.

If you care for your friends then pay Uber for them but your family needs you with them while you can pay Uber to take care of your friends.

Your friends can take notes on how you treat your family and judge you accordingly even though you may not notice that.

When in doubt, listen to your wife please.

 

[eleison]

You need to take care of yourself and family first then your friends.

If you care for your friends then pay Uber for them but your family needs you with them while you can pay Uber to take care of your friends.

Your friends can take notes on how you treat your family and judge you accordingly even though you may not notice that.

When in doubt, listen to your wife please.

Your wife is putting you in a no win situation. The golden rule is to treat others how you would like to be treated. You help your friends, they help you. If you always focus on putting your family first. Your friends will take note, and will always put their family first. This is not a good situation. It's short sighted. How would your wife like it if the situation was reverse -- a "so called friend" dumped her and your family in some lot? I bet she would be livid.

 

[SalisburySam]

As has been pointed out by sages over the millennia, if the wife ain‘t happy, nobody’s happy. Still true today, as witnessed by the OP in his first post.

 

[Tam]

Your wife is putting you in a no win situation. The golden rule is to treat others how you would like to be treated. You help your friends, they help you. If you always focus on putting your family first. Your friends will take note, and will always put their family first. This is not a good situation. It's short sighted. How would your wife like it if the situation was reverse -- a "so called friend" dumped her and your family in some lot? I bet she would be livid.

A single person without a marriage contract can sacrifice themselves any time they wanted.

Once he becomes a family man, the priority should be family focus.

I would rather lose friends than my own family.

It's very straightforward.

 

[shinytop]

You did the right thing. Any error you made was in not finding a way to let your wife know. As the host of the other family you had obligations to act as a host. And a good host would have driven them to their hotel. There is no way you are going to convince your wife now so maybe some flowers to reward her patience will shorten the time you spend in the doghouse. Should something similar happen again you might want to consider taking your family for ice cream or other treat after you drop the family at the hotel.

 

[TarmacSurfer]

There’s someone being selfish in this scenario all right and it’s neither you nor your friend.

 

[Wattsisname]

Since you asked....

I think that nothing said here by a bunch of internet strangers will have any positive outcome on how either you, or your wife feel about the situation, and you two need to work that out (or let it go). Whether a bunch of strangers agree with you, or dont agree with you, wont change the discussion between you two in any positive way.

Thats what I think (again, since you asked).

Probably, no certainly, the only apposite /appropriate response to this post except, perhaps, for : Which Tesla do you drive?
Was range anxiety an issue?
Did you consider sending your family home in an Uber; I hear there are now Tesla Ubers.

 

[father_of_6]

I would've wanted to give them a ride, too... but I agree with @jjrandorin. Proving you were right or your wife wrong is only going to make things worse. I recommend approaching the situation apologetically. Marriage is a sacrifice and requires losing the battle to win the war.

 

[eleison]

A single person without a marriage contract can sacrifice themselves any time they wanted.

Once he becomes a family man, the priority should be family focus.

I would rather lose friends than my own family.

It's very straightforward.

The "family" does not live in a bubble. The "family" relies on other people. You can lose friends. However, your "family" will also lose network connections. Need your son to get his first job? Sorry, your "friend" Jake no longer considers you a friend, so he's going to help his other real "friend's" kid to get a job at that awesome company that your son wanted to work at. How about getting other "friends" to help you invest in your startup? Or having friends that your wife or kids can depend on if they get injured or hurt, and nobody is there except for these friends?

What happens if your wife and kids got into a car accident and it rolls into a ditch? The car is on fire and they can't get out. With your logic, your "friends" who could be driving by should not help your family because they should focus on themselves- make sure they don't get injured or die trying to save your family because... well, they have their own family to think about.

You treat other people (and other people's family) how you want them to treat your family. You alone cannot be there all the time. This is the impetus of the "old boys network".. Have you ever been in one? People in these groups help each other. Those that do the lone wolf thing -- they get steam rolled or work 2X as hard to reach a goal. Any ways, just my opinion. People can do whatever they want. In my humble opinion, the wife is self centered and in the long run, hurting her own family.

 

[SO16]

Sounds like an “am I the a hole?” Reddit post.

 

[Red Ryder 3]

As near as I can tell, there were at least 8 people in the car...what were you driving?

 

[Wattsisname]

As near as I can tell, there were at least 8 people in the car...what were you driving?

7?

 

[ItsNotAboutTheMoney]

I think in this particular scenario helping them out is good because the connection is the friend and he was absent. Sending these 2nd degree friends off to fend for themselves seems a bit rude.

The possible missed middle ground would be to help them get an Uber and be there to see them off. What was your wife _actually_ suggesting?

Some other questions:
Had you paid for everything or were both families paying their own share?
Is this your-plural friend or your-singular friend?
Does your wife actually like the friend?
Does your wife like the friend's wife?

 

[father_of_6]

Seems like there would have been a decent amount of luggage in the back. Arranging an Uber, moving luggage, and seeing them off might've taken half of that 50 minutes anyways.

This doesn't seem worth arguing over.

 

[Tam]

The "family" does not live in a bubble. The "family" relies on other people. You can lose friends. However, your "family" will also lose network connections. Need your son to get his first job? Sorry, your "friend" Jake no longer considers you a friend, so he's going to help his other real "friend's" kid to get a job at that awesome company that your son wanted to work at. How about getting other "friends" to help you invest in your startup? Or having friends that your wife or kids can depend on if they get injured or hurt, and nobody is there except for these friends?

What happens if your wife and kids got into a car accident and it rolls into a ditch? The car is on fire and they can't get out. With your logic, your "friends" who could be driving by should not help your family because they should focus on themselves- make sure they don't get injured or die trying to save your family because... well, they have their own family to think about.

You treat other people (and other people's family) how you want them to treat your family. You alone cannot be there all the time. This is the impetus of the "old boys network".. Have you ever been in one? People in these groups help each other. Those that do the lone wolf thing -- they get steam rolled or work 2X as hard to reach a goal. Any ways, just my opinion. People can do whatever they want. In my humble opinion, the wife is self centered and in the long run, hurting her own family.

I understood your reasoning and those are very good rationales.

Back to this scenario: The goal in here was to make sure the kids didn't miss Disneyland. Once that goal was fulfilled, there were no further emergencies that required @Manbutter to accompany or drive them to a hospital. It would be rude to make them walk 50 minutes to the hotel. However, it is perfectly fine to send friends to a hotel by taxi, Uber, limousine...

 

[CyberGus]

In my experience, a seeming over-reaction is indicative of unspoken desires. "Being tired" is a lousy excuse for objecting to forced sitting.

Maybe she wanted to be home in time for the latest "Housewives", or she ate one too many $18 corn dogs and really needed to take a dump, but just didn't want to say such things out loud. Instead, it came out as "I'm tired, you're mean".

 

[father_of_6]

In my experience, a seeming over-reaction is indicative of unspoken desires. "Being tired" is a lousy excuse for objecting to forced sitting.

Maybe she wanted to be home in time for the latest "Housewives", or she ate one too many $18 corn dogs and really needed to take a dump, but just didn't want to say such things out loud. Instead, it came out as "I'm tired, you're mean".

Or... "she fine, dump her off at the curb"