Psychic FUD predictions for 2015

[chickensevil]

Didn't I hear that the Model X would come with an inflight lavatory option for those who don't need a full back row? Couple that with autopilot and you've got a real winner with men of a certain age.

I instantly thought of this scene from Anchorman 2.

 

[jhm]

11) In a desperate attempt to prop up sagging sales, Tesla will offer color options beyond shades of gray.

 

[Auzie]

PS publishes article on SA outlining the newly identified threat to Tesla business. Main points:

DSM-5 develops standard criteria for a newly identified affliction affecting Tesla drivers and non - Tesla drivers.
DSM - Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

Tesla drivers - Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder is linked with repetitively experiencing euphoria whilst driving followed by withdrawals in non-driving periods

Non Tesla drivers - Anxiety disorders develop in response to constantly experiencing the swoosh of Tesla cars overtaking them on the road

Tesla failed to adequately address this risk to its customers and population in general and may be liable for huge damages.

 

[jhm]

Ha ha! Don't forget Post Telsa Test Drive Auto Dysphoria (PTTDAD) which occurs when a person is longer happy with their current car as a direct result of test driving a Tesla. Prevalent among men with symptoms comparable to Low T (irritability, loss of interest, fatigue, etc.), but may also afflict women. Does not respond to hormone therapy or antidepressants. The only safe and reliable treatment is to buy a Tesla for extended Electro-Acceleration Therapy. Positive results may be seen within 3.2 seconds. If a "Tesla grin" lasts more than four hours, please seek a companion to share it with.

 

[Johan]

Hmm... Gives new meaning to ECT for depression (Electro Convulsive Therapy)

 

[jhm]

OMG, it's 2015 and Tesla is already getting serious competition. This what all the cool kids will want. Just wait until the FUDsters pick up on this one. Dump your shares while you have a chance! They always said the big boys would not stand by the sideline forever.

Broon F870 electric car is sexier than a Tesla, but its only for kids | BGR

 

[jhm]

12) Iron Man's kryptonite is antiperovskite!

 

[Rheazombi]

13) The world collectively and spontaneously decides to go back to horses and horse-drawn carriages. The origins of this phenomena are unclear but some say it can be traced back to hipsters in Brooklyn and Portland and their affinity for all things esoteric and vintage. see: fixie bikes, typewriters, handlebar mustaches, suspenders, etc.

14) Putin invents his own Electric Vehicle powered by bears and vodka. The white papers made available to the public describing how this is actually possible are heavily redacted, and any of Putin's inner circle concerned with the vast amounts of public funds spent on the secretive project will be sent on "important assignments" in Siberia.

 

[Auzie]

Pomerantz files class action lawsuit against Tesla

Pomerantz Grossman Hufford Dahlstrom & Gross LLP has filed a class action lawsuit against Tesla Motors, Inc. ("Tesla" or the "Company") (Nasdaq:TSLA) and certain of its officers. The class action, filed in United States District Court, Northern District of California, and docketed under 3:13-cv-05216, is on behalf of a class consisting of all persons or entities who purchased or otherwise acquired Tesla cars between May 10, 2013 and today, both dates inclusive (the "Class Period").

This class action seeks to recover damages against Defendants for alleged violations of the federal securities laws pursuant to Sections 10(b) and 20(a) of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934 and Rule 10b-5 promulgated thereunder. - See more at: http://globenewswire.com/news-relea...rtain-Officers-TSLA.html#sthash.j9bQoyBa.dpuf

In a nutshell, the lawsuit claims that Tesla deceptively failed to disclose the potential damage caused by a newly purchased car to the owner’s sanity.

In evidence, Pomerantz Grossman Hufford Dahlstrom & Gross LLP enclosed the DMS-5.
DSM - Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

DSM-5 developed standard criteria for a newly identified affliction affecting Tesla drivers. The affliction, Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, is linked with repetitively experiencing euphoria whilst driving followed by withdrawals in non-driving periods.

There is anecdotal evidence of a new affliction affecting non -Tesla drivers as well -Post Telsa Test Drive Auto Dysphoria (PTTDAD) which occurs when a person is no longer happy with their current car as a direct result of test driving a Tesla. . It resembles pathological envy. The affliction is prevalent among men with symptoms comparable to Low T (irritability, loss of interest, fatigue, etc.), but may also afflict women. Does not respond to hormone therapy or antidepressants. The only safe and reliable treatment is to buy a Tesla for extended Electro-Acceleration Therapy. Positive results may be seen within 3.2 seconds.

 

[chickensevil]

I thought that was serious at first, Auzie! Haha! Well written

I am confused by the May 10, 2013 date... wouldn't those who bought the car in 2012 also suffer from this "issue"?

I think that guy who got in an accident due to "new car smell" falls under this as well

 

[Auzie]

Elon Musk reveals the truth about new firmware in an interview with New York Times

Tesla CEO Elon Musk granted an interview to New York Times. This gesture is an expression of deep gratitude Tesla owes to NYT and specifically to its reporter John Broder.


In the early days of Tesla Model S, back in 2013, Mr. Broder test drove Model S and wrote a hit piece “Stalled Out on Tesla’s Electric Highway”.


Below are some highlights of Mr. Broders’ experience of driving Tesla, in his own words:

“The battery wouldn't hold a charge, the car misreported its range, Tesla support gave me bad information … The car ended up being hauled off on a flatbed. Nobody told me that car needed to be charged in order to hold a charge. That was inexcusable and led to bricking the car.”

Mr. Broder admits in the article that the car tried to boss him around:

“At that point, the car informed me it was shutting off the heater, and it ordered me, in vivid red letters, to “Recharge Now.” I drove into the service plaza, hooked up the Supercharger and warmed my hands on a cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

Mr. Broder obviously disliked being told what to do by a measly car, and to top it off, an electric car.:redface:

“I drove a state-of-the-art electric vehicle past a lot of gas stations. I wasn’t smiling.” If this is Tesla’s vision of long-distance travel in America’s future, I thought, and the solution to what the company calls the “road trip problem,” it needs some work.”

Mr. Broder especially disliked the car “sucking up electrons” or ”drinking its juice”.

I spent nearly an hour at the Milford service plaza as the Tesla sucked electrons from the hitching post. After making arrangements to recharge at the Norwich station, I located the proper adapter in the trunk, plugged in and walked to the only warm place nearby, Butch’s Luncheonette and Breakfast Club, an establishment (smoking allowed:love where only members can buy a cup of coffee or a plate of eggs. But the owners let me wait there while the Model S drank its juice.

Looking back, I should have bought a membership to Butch’s and spent a few hours there while the car charged. The displayed range never reached the number of miles remaining to Milford, and as I limped along at about 45 miles per hour I saw increasingly dire dashboard warnings to recharge immediately. Mr. Merendino, the product planner, found an E.V. charging station about five miles away.

The animosity between Mr. Broder and the car was escalating.

But the Model S had other ideas. “Car is shutting down,” the computer informed me. I was able to coast down an exit ramp in Branford, Conn., before the car made good on its threat.

Finally the car got its way over Mr.Broder.:wink:

Tesla’s New York service manager, Adam Williams, found a towing service in Milford that sent a skilled and very patient driver, Rick Ibsen, to rescue me with a flatbed truck.

NYT is careful to cater for its segment of challenged readers and provided optical illustration of Mr.Broder’s unsatisfactory experience with the car. The photo of Mr. Ibsen, the rescuer, with bricked Tesla on a flatbed truck, appeared in NYT. Red car further strengthened visual effects, loudly broadcasting to American public an unfinished solution to transportation problems.

Tesla was on its knees and very apologetic.

Tesla’s CTO, J B Straubel, acknowledged that the two East Coast charging stations were at the mileage limit of the Model S’s real-world range. Making matters worse, cold weather inflicts about a 10 percent range penalty, he said, and running the heater draws yet more energy. He added that some range-related software problems still needed to be sorted out.


“It’s disappointing to me when things don’t work smoothly,” Mr. Straubel said in a post-mortem of JB test drive. “It takes more planning than a typical gasoline car, no way around it.


“Hopefully you’ll give us a little slack in that we put in the East Coast stations just a month ago,” he said. “It’s a good lesson.”

Apart from the downside of damaging Tesla’s brand, there was also upside to Mr. Broder’s article.:wink: It pointed to a serious design flaw. The flaw could have easily led to Tesla’s bankruptcy due to class action lawsuits for delivering products unsuitable for the challenged segment of the population.


Now newly divorced Tesla CEO Elon Musk is seeking to achieve as many closures as he can. He wishes to put some closure on NYT affair by publicly acknowledging NYT and Mr. Broder’s contribution to idiot proofing Tesla design.


Mr. Musk stated: ”We recognize that a segment of our market might need that extra help with handling Tesla. Our car is high tech and as such not fully compatible with all the drivers that may wish to enjoy the superb Model S performance. For that reason, we are working on improvements that will allow almost anyone to handle our car without the risk of bricking the car.”

In a nutshell this new firmware will:


1. Recognize the need to recharge

2. Autopilot will take over from the driver

3. Car will drive itself to a nearby SC

4. Snake will plug in the car to a charger and disconnect once the car has sucked enough electrons.

5. When the battery is sufficiently charged, the alert will tell the driver that the car is ready for him to take the control back and to drive off.

6. The car will be able to accelerate away from the charging station at an improved acceleration rate of 2.7 sec for 0 to 60 mph.

7. The snake is named John Broder, in recognition of Mr. Broder's contribution in highlighting this flaw


After this firmware is fully developed and all the upgrades are complete, US public will be spared the distasteful optic of seeing a beautiful car sitting like a dead duck on an oil-guzzling flatbed.


To complete the closure of this mutually unpleasant affair, NYT recognizes that there were some less than truthful statements in the original article as was evidenced by the car data logs. These logs were explained in the Mr. Musk’s blog: A most peculiar test drive


In an attempt to make up to Tesla for publishing a hatchet job and for mishandling of the original article, NYT published the interview with Mr.Musk on its front page instead of in the automotive section.

 

[jhm]

Damn, Auzie. I'm speechless.

 

[Johan]

You guys should really check out the site of the "Norwegian anti-Tesla Association". I hope it comes across as funny through Google translate as it does in its native tounge:
https://translate.google.no/transla...-8&u=http://anti-tesla.no/&edit-text=&act=url

A few highligt quotes (my translation):

If our suggestion of double taxation of Tesla is taken up then of course no one will buy this useless car and our final goal will by achieved: these cars will disappear from the roads. We estimate that it will then take about five years before all Teslas are gone, of which 30% will have have caught fire within the next three years, and the remaining 70% must be discarded since the battery is bricked

(Yes it's a parody site)

 

[jhm]

You guys should really check out the site of the "Norwegian anti-Tesla Association". I hope it comes across as funny through Google translate as it does in its native tounge:
https://translate.google.no/transla...-8&u=http://anti-tesla.no/&edit-text=&act=url

A few highligt quotes (my translation):



(Yes it's a parody site)

Or they could let the lack of lubrication accomplish their goal without having to grease the palms of politicians.

 

[jhm]

Don't mess with Tesla.

 

[jhm]

Ok, all my psychic FUD predictions for 2015 sucked. But in fairness I don't think any of us saw that robot snake thing coming.

So what are my psychic FUD predictions for 2016?

1) We now see that demand for the Model S has peaked and is no greater than demand for Model X.

2) Demand for Model X must be constrained otherwise why would Tesla need to keep selling the Model S?

3) Tesla will soon run out of locations for Supercharger stations.

4) The Model X is unsafe because with the big sky window drivers just gaze up into the clouds and forget to engage autopilot.

5) Tesla will have to raise capital for Gigafactory 2 so that they can finish building out Gigafactory 1.

6) 650,000 Model 3 reservations can only mean no one will want to buy a Tesla next year until the Model 3 comes out and of course it will be delayed for years.

7) Musk has a secret plan to start mining on Mars because he knows their isn't enough rare earth lithium on the planet to satisfy his Li-ion ambition. Of course, the SpaceX landings were all staged just just like the US landing on the moon.


Ok, there are my 2016 psychic FUD predictions. Here's hoping we have a FUDtastic New Year!