So I didn't see an option to remove the audible warnings for things like "you're going to hit the car in front of you"
I know my cars extremely well
Clearly you don't know this car "very well". You saying that would suggest that you have read the manual very well also which clearly you have not. There is a setting to remove the warnings for "you're going to hit the car in front of you" and it is in the manual, and it is in the car menus.
I don't have a problem with you not knowing something, but don't bring up your "extensive" perfect driving record and abilities and then go complaining about something that is defined in the manual, and is found by also just by going through the menu in the car.
I wasn't going to tell you where it was and force you to find it yourself but I'll help you out.. page 90 of the current(May 16, 2019) manual online.