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Finally got the car back from the service center. Long story --> short, it was the high voltage controller (or "controller - high voltage"), and the dead 12-volt battery was just a symptom. So if I'd swapped that out myself, which was tempting, I'd have quickly landed in the same boat. I really...

Ray, thanks for your help in convincing Mr. Duck that I am indeed not a troll. I was away from this thread, dealing with this problem. I've attached the pics of the error messages. I think I added the word "the" but otherwise my transcription was pretty accurate! I'll post the resolution...

😄 Sure thing. Why would a car this advanced have a way to check that without popping the hood and poking it with wires?

Thanks. Agreed that this isn't acceptable, but it's pretty normal, no? Anyway my calls to roadside assistance led me to voicemail. We will see if anyone calls back!

Unsure! How does one check that? Thanks for the reply.

Would love to hear any ideas about why our Model 3 won't drive. Two error messages: "The electrical system is unable to support all features. Shutting down features to conserve energy" and... "Please wait while vehicle systems power up. Press brake pedal for 30 seconds to drive" Welp...