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Keys and app both not working

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It is now day 9 of me not being able to open my 2014 Model S.
- Both key fobs don't do anything (also with a new key fob battery).
- App can't connect (spinner keeps spinning).
- I tried placing the fob on various places on the lower passenger side windshield; apparently there should be some sort of key reader there (?).

I have opened the nose cone, and am measuring 2V on the 12V circuit.
I have replaced this battery 2 years + a few months ago. Seems short for it to already fail (also, I'm guessing the warrenty on it is 2yrs...).
I have not seen any replace battery warnings.

I am currently drip-charging the battery via the nose cone connections.
So far cannot connect. Any suggestions?

I've tried to reach Tesla by mail, but got forwarded to the App, on which I just get absurdly high quotes, instead of helpful advice. Is this normal? (I am in the Netherlands)