A tether handling just 40% gravity needs to support something like 640 tons (a full tanker plus a cargo-loaded Starship at 0.4g). That's a pretty serious tether. I'd run them between the lift points on the Starships as that matches their design use - except that I doubt the lift points are currently designed to handle anywhere near 640 tons.
The required tension would be far less than this. Starship's dry mass is ~100T, plus ~100T payload, plus (wild guess) ~50T fuel after trans-Mars injection. So even at a full 1g acceleration, the tether would only need to support ~250 tons tension. (It wouldn't matter if Starship is tethered to a heavier tanker; the tanker would be closer to the center of spin and thus experience less G-force, offsetting its higher mass.) With a 5x safety margin relative to nominal breaking strength, this setup would require e.g. a Dyneema tether about 6cm in diameter. This would mass about 1 metric ton for a 300m tether, spun at 2.5rpm for 1g, or at a more comfortable 1.6rpm for 0.4g. (Or with a 2-ton 600m tether, one could spin at 1.8rpm / 1.1rpm.) Dyneema is probably useful stuff to have on Mars, so it wouldn't even be wasted payload.
The nose-to-nose tether seems a lot more elegant to me than a tail-to-tail arrangement, for several reasons. It would match the takeoff and landing orientation, and the lift points are already there. It would also prevent fuel draining away from the engines. And an engine-outward configuration (with the heavy weight at the extremities of spin) would be more dynamically stable than having the heavy weight inward. (Also, if both are crewed, they could wave to each other.)
In practice it may make more sense to tether two crewed Starships together en route to Mars, rather than tethering Starship-tanker pairs. Each could serve as a lifeboat for the other in the event of a [survivable] emergency, such as one Starship losing life support. And the tankers don't really require artificial gravity at all, so this arrangement would require just one tether per two crewed Starships, instead of one tether per crewed Starship. (It's not clear to me why sending tankers to Mars is really necessary anyway if there's ISPP; a fully fueled Starship on the surface of Mars could make it all the way back to Earth's surface without a tanker.)