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What the heck am I going to do?

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Carvana may be easier, but it will increase your taxes on the new car. In AZ (hi neighbor) you do not pay sales tax on the amount of a trade in. So Carvana’s offer would have to be that much higher to effectively be the same. Sure, sometimes it makes sense, sometimes not.

Re: title. Try a third party MVD authorized office. Much quicker and easier to deal with and I THINK they can do titles, but you may have to check on that.
Hello again, Neighbor.
Well......it turned out that Carvana ALSO wanted a paper title BUT....they came in almost 3k higher than Tesla so I figured I should wait it out as far as the paper title was concerned. The good news is that, instead of the expected two week delay to get the title from the DMV, I actually got it in just under a week and so was able to get 'er done! Thanks very much for your help!