Yes. So to close the loop on my ordeal. Prepping the house for sale and showings so my car was in the driveway. Went to pull it in that night, and it died completely once I got inside. Used my battery charger to power the tow hook leads, opened the frunk, found the battery had 4.5v. Put it on the charger and was still unable to open the doors. Let it charge overnight, still couldn't open the doors. Removed the battery completely - had to shut the frunk due to rain storms and house showings. Took the battery to Tesla after confirming in the app that I could just bring it in to swap. The service center was already closed at this point and they said I had to pay for the battery. Fine (it was only $85 which is very reasonable and one more reason to replace it proactively).
Took it home, connected my charger to the leads... nothing. Jumped the battery straight to the leads, nothing...
Checked the new battery's voltage - 12.1v. In the service manual it says anything under 12.4 to discard. Put it on the charger overnight. Tried jumping the battery to the leads this morning - SUCCESS! Hooked up the new battery, car operates as intended.
I suspect the charger didn't work with the 12v battery removed because it has a safety feature that won't energize unless it senses a load of a battery, and the straight battery jump didn't work because the battery Tesla sold me was dead.
Long story short, I'd glady spend $85 to prevent having to go through that ordeal again. My car was in my driveway and it was a huge inconvenience, if I'd been in a remote area or on the side of the road it would have been a nightmare.