I'm never the first to defend AutoPilot, but hear me out.
I'm a "gentle" driver in that I conserve momentum where possible and primarily used gearing in ICE vehicles for slowing down. My Honda Crosstour with ~165,000km had well over 50% of the original brake pads remaining when I sold it. So basically, I'm already an outlier for my braking habits.
When we got the Model 3 and compared to our occasional drives in the remaining ICE (Honda Fit), I drive even gentler in the Model 3. I use regen way before lights. AP's behaviour at lights is so far away from how I personally drive that it will always feel abrupt, but I think the availability of regen makes us react more than we normally would to things ahead (i.e. where I would coast in ICE, I'm doing very light regen in the Model 3).
So like you mentioned, there's all this opportunity for regen that we would normally lightly use, but it's not necessarily or even normal compared to how the rest of the vehicles in the world are driving. I do still think it's too late/abrupt even in consideration of this, but also see that my super coasting light regen behaviours is completely unlike how most people drive other vehicles, yet encouraged by how the pedal works.