Good news all: I worked for a while on this issue and have it solved. Total cost is about $5. After three attempts from Tesla, I can drive without a rattle in my ear. Bring deaf in the opposite ear, this was almost game over for this car.
What you need:
Felt Tape or Felt Drawer Liner
Option 1:
https://www.amazon.com/Adhesive-Backed-Black-Felt-Tape/dp/B0141C4MUG
Option 2:
Pressure Sensitive Felt Sheets
Time
Willingness to tear apart your new car
1: Open the front and rear door on the impacted side
2: Lean the seats next to the rattling adjuster back a ways
3: Grab the bottom of the textile section of the B pillar from the bottom, just under the door seals.
4: Slowly pull the section away from the black plastic section. This doesn't pop should just come loose.
5: Pop the top of this section off from near the roofline
6: The rattles come from 3 areas: The sliding section, the frame, and the actuator. all of the padding you will add is on the trim, not the metal adjuster.
7: Apply felt to the following areas:
A: Large section (roughly 1.5" by 3") where the sliding section goes under the top mounting points. This is likely the source of noise and completely eliminated the noise. You will need to remove the slide and apply felt to the main trim assembly. This will cover all of the random ends of the cover fabric in this location.
B: Apply a small bit of felt to all 6 of the gray tabs that touch the body when this is assembled
C: Apple a small bit of felt to the white actuator on the back of the button. This is the interface between the button and the actual mechanical adjustor.
D: Anywhere else you see plastic on plastic movement in this assembly.
8: Example all plastic welds in this assembly. I had one in the upper rear section that was not welded at all. I used a soldering iron to fuse the plastic in this location.
9: Reinstall. It's easiest to have the adjustor lowered all the way down and match the sliding section to it. Make sure to pull your door seals over the trim you removed.
Now that I know this is fixed, I will be doing the other side and capturing some photos for everyone next week.