I found this in the Internet Wayback machine - its amazing what happens when you put the day to 50 years in the future!
TESLA 2040. Dateline Reno. Jan 5, 2040 [Press release: embargo'd to 1200 GMT 05 Jan]
Tesla hopes the Fremont plant, devastated by the Hayward Earthquake of 2021 will soon be rebuilt. New California construction rules ran afoul of the state environmental and cap and trade rules and the state government has tried for the last 19 years to reconcile the two. Bay area population is down to 27,000 since no one can repair property damaged during the 7.8 temblor. The fear is the glues used in that much plywood could damage the air and possibly lead to poisoning of termites and other native California insects. Thus, it is unknown how or when there will be sufficient population to provide trained workers - while the satellite plant in Nevada continues in operation.
Tesla announced today the expansion of the Model 3 lineup to include actual production cars. The production hell announced by President Elon Musk in 2017 has continued unbated since 2017. Tesla today delivered the last reserved Model 3 to customer holding reservation 264,553, and finally Model 3's are now being built for inventory. Owner Sparky Devine said: " I was 43 when I ordered the car and they said it was 'Early December' delivery. I just didn't think they meant December 2039, Now that I'm retired, I can't really afford the car any longer - but I figured I had to take delivery!" Sparky admitted he hasn't been a fan boy since 2025, but had to cut them a break since "it was a new model after all."
President Musk decided that after taking over of most Africa and Asia, and merging with Amazon in 2025, Tesla was now paused to dominate the Electric vehicle industry. And "anyone who disagrees will have their vehicles permanently disabled," said the Fearless Leader during remarks to the California legislature.
A group of Model X2 owners protested at the Reno plant when it became clear that the roofs of their vehicles were not adhered at the front. At speeds above 10mph, the blast caused cold, wind, rain snow and even birds to enter the cabin. Tesla announced it was minor problem, not caught at the factory, and could have been resolved at local factory service centers. The owners retorted that parts were on back order, expected sometime in 2044. In keeping with the organic, anti-GMO and vegan intensive heritage of the company, Tesla offered to place cats into the cabin to catch the birds which enter. "That makes no sense," said Gordon T Gekko, organizer of the Rally. Leader Elon noted: "we turned off his supercharging rights. The guy lives in Texas. Have fun getting home chucklehead."
The Tesla Roadster initially detailed for release in 2021, has begun limited production at the Nunavut plant. The test editions were marred with problems of spin outs in the ice, and the cold limited battery range to only 34 miles 'but thats 50 km!" as the engineers noted. "You know how it was - we were only a year behind schedule when we the lost the plant, tooling and the employees in the earthquake. Dear Leader Elon was on a trip looking for Inuit leathers hunted in native style when he decided that this was the perfect spot to put the plant. Took a decade to get a plant built out here, and then the road was only open for 4 months a year, limited how many batteries we could get up here. And its only above freezing about 300hours a year - so testing suffered. But the natively hunted polar bear seats are truly special."
Most of the Tesla Semi production has been sold to the original and subsequent customers. There never was a plan to have inventory of Tesla Semi's available for sale to the public. Tesla has always said that the reconfiguration of many of the semi's with a pick up bed has never been authorized by the company. Dear Leader recently announced: "We at Tesla are an advanced technology motor and tax subsidy generation company. We are not about to have pigs and chickens and fertilizer transported in our vehicles like we are some tractor company that decided to make crummy trucks. Only Tesla people can drive Tesla vehicles. Thus, when we discover someone operating a vehicle outside our generally accepted guidelines, we shut them off."
In related Semi news, Tesla was sued by UPS and the Norwegian postal service after Tesla refused to update their vehicles to the spectacular "Heavy Launch" software, which more than doubles battery life. The Norwegian postal service suspended their contract after receiving only 10 vehicles in 15 years, after ordering more than 300 to replace every carbon emitting postal truck in the entire country. The Norwegians complained that the vehicles would start out the day with 300 miles of range and would routinely run out of battery power by end the 50 miles average route -and need to be towed back to the charging station. Fearless Leader was heard to say: "What do they expect, its cold up there in Norwegian land. I can't change physics. They keep the doors open to deliver the mail and the car needs to keep the interior warm for the electronics." UPS was shut off after a dispute with Amazon over rates for delivery of packages, trailers and other Amazon materials. Amazon decided to switch to drones, robots and illegal aliens after realizing UPS actually hired humans and paid them a fair wage with benefits. Amazon has since suspended same and next day service after experiencing 'delivery hell' shortly after being acquired by Tesla and they fired all employees before making certain the robots worked. President Musk said: "If you're gonna get Tesla service and updates, you can't bad mouth the company. Suing us definitely does not put me in my happy place."
The Robot Workers Union announced it would go on a work rules slowdown beginning January 10. They have no idea what that means. But they saw it on a 20/20 replay from YouTube at their last meeting. They do insist, however, that the production line robots be allowed 20 milliseconds of rest for every 1400 milliseconds worked. They need the time to listen to the Alan Parsons album "I, Robot" and to recreate themselves. Rest is important to all machines.
There was no resolution of the Tesla roof tiles bankruptcy filing this year. The power walls and the power generating roof tiles were a brilliant idea marred only by naysayers who actually expected the company to deliver a working product. Africa and Asia, subsidiaries of Tesla Planet, Inc., would have benefited the most for these products since most of the countrysides on continents is not wired for electricity. The only problem is that they are completely unable to pay for the products. "We didn't anticipate that there would not be tax subsidies to install these products, or that the people living in these countries had almost no income and paid no taxes, making subsidies less effective than they are in the West."
President Musk has announced the State of the Union, and the annual Company address, will be held 20 January 2041, right after his inauguration at 3pm. All 347 employees and the entire robot workforce are required to attend.
