I think this is profound enough to expand on it. I am aware it is satire, but it's arguably pretty close to a good plan:
Dear shareholders,
A new position, "Czar of stock price appreciation" has been mandated by some large shareholders. This individual's decisions will override those of Mr. Musk. Our Master Plan 2 is as follows:
Ok, not a full time position and don't announce it, but sure. Musk can tap someone savvy to do the most basic policy polish. For instance, don't announce the need for a capital raise before doing the raise. Just someone to help unforced errors when it costs nothing to do so. Wheeler can do this just fine.
Tesla will dispense with this silly goal of making the planet a better place and focus on what's really important: short term profits
Rephrase: "We are doubling down and focusing on the most important project, the Model 3. This is critical not only for the >400k reservation holders, Tesla and our air quality but the success of this line will allow us to further expand and be self funding. Of course we continue to have secret programs that we are working on and I look forward to sharing more details in the future!"
While Tesla's staff strongly believes the SCTY acquisition makes sense, that acquisition has been abandoned, due to short-term market resistance
I am ambivalent about this one, and there is no face saving way to back down now. But they could have just waited. Why the hurry? If the "risk" is that they are about to become wildly profitable and more expensive, that is easily fixable by continuing to plow revenue into growth. So I guess don't do this one, too late.
Tesla has been working on some larger vehicles, but those projects have been shelfed in favor of reducing our R&D expenses. The real payoff for Tesla is getting Model 3 spun up without any distractions. In lieu of new products, Tesla will instead offer its current vehicles in 3 additional colors
That is more or less perfect. Less flippant about the 3 colors, but model 3 focus is fine.
Service centers will now become profit centers, with increased fees for Tesla servicing
Don't do this one either. Not even possible since most of the fleet is in warranty.
A special 2-wheel drive "Bob Lutz" version of the Model S will become available within a year, with a gasoline-powered engine in the front of the car used to recharge the new 35kwh battery, giving the vehicle range of 400 miles and an EV range comparable to that of the Nissan Leaf.. This vehicle is being offered to those who might experience range-anxiety with purely-electrical vehicles.
Just a bad vehicle. The capital cost would be horrendous.
Rather than waiting for the 2Q ER, we want to let you know right now that more than 2100 vehicles/week are rolling off the Tesla assembly line at the moment. Catering to investors with short-term call options is a new focus of the new Tesla.
Rephrase: "Rather than waiting for the 2Q ER, we want to let you know right now that more than 2100 vehicles/week are rolling off the Tesla assembly line at the moment. [Catering to investors with short-term call options] [
Operational excellence] is a new focus of the new Tesla"
Rather than risk offending the media by carrying on business without print advertising, Tesla will now be advertising regularly in Fortune magazine, the Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times and other fine publications. We feel the better editorial coverage this move will buy us more than compensates for the cost.
Rephrase: "We are concerned that consumer confusion about Tesla products and EV's in general is becoming a problem. We are announcing an engagement with an advertising firm to begin a modest TV campaign to get control of our branding" (Ok, that is terrible. imagine it well written)
I want Tesla to keep dreaming and plan for all the Semi's and buses and snakes and hide it in the SG&A. But present the right priorities. They don't actually have the capital they need to do everything anyway, so just time the dream a bit later. You can always update the master plan.
Edit: I LIKE the master plan. I got chills reading it. But I am IN THE CHURCH, of course I do.