Yeah, I guess this is the reality check I needed to hear. Tesla is pretty much living up to expectation that it would be a disappointment.
but my husband has a long commute and this car enables him to use the hov lane, which is a substantial benefit.
If you don't need the Supercharger network, and you're not concerned about maximum performance from your EV crossover commuter, check out the Mach-E. It's is much quieter (at least the two versions I tested, Premium AWD and GT Performance Edition). I think the Model Y is a better car in most aspects, but if an EV for HOV lane commuting is your goal, a Mach-E Premium should work fine.
Polestar 2 is also a lot quieter but not quite as quiet as Mach-E, mostly from having a bit more road/tire noise (I only tested the Performance version, with relatively noisy performance tires). The Polestar is legit fun , the dual motor version stacks up much better against Tesla 3/Y in terms of performance than a Mach-E, but if quiet is a top priority the Mach-E might still be better. Also Polestar 2 is much smaller than a Y...that's both good (for parking and maneuvering) and bad (for hauling people and cargo). Mach-E feels a little smaller inside than a Y but not by as much, I think it's bigger than Polestar 2.
There's also some new EV crossovers on the market now that I haven't personally tested.
The Y's combination of range/efficiency, power, space, packaging, supercharger network, and overall Tesla experience makes it tops for an EV crossover in my opinion, but I agree the noise level is an issue and you're best off never expecting Lexus quiet, even with a bunch of added sound deadening and seals.
Last thought...do you need a crossover/hatch/liftgate? If not test the Model 3. It's actually a lot quieter on the highway than the Y in my experience testing 2021 models and ultimately buying one. Ride quality is somewhat better too. Model 3 is still louder than a Mach-E or Polestar 2, but if you want a quieter Tesla without paying up for an S, maybe the 3 would do. You give up a lot of cargo hauling capability, and the back seat is much worse on the 3 (really low to the floor), but you gain some refinement and a lot more driving fun (in my opinion).