Agreed about the unreliability and poor ride of the 235/35R20 setup. I downsized all the way to 245/45R18 on 18x8.5" and everything is better (with the right tires) - more grip, better ride, and the power steering even feels better. And I've stopped fearing every pothole.
Sounds like you want to go wider. Lots of folks here have. Up to 9.5" wide wheels seem to be common. 10-10.5" wide has been done but less common and may require a lot of camber & very carefully chosen offset if fitting under the stock bodywork. (Note I'm far from an expert on this, I've no experience at all trying to fit wider-than-stock wheels, this is just what I've observed following some wheel and tire threads here.)
265/45R19 would be much too tall. Even 265/45R18 is probably too tall. The general wisdom I've seen is try to stay at or under 27" in diameter to clear the front upper control arm. That's not an exact cutoff, what you can squeeze in depends on the camber and offset you're wanting/willing to run.
It sounds like you're considering 9.5" wide wheels. I've mostly seen people running and recommending 265/35R19 for 19x9.5", or 265/40R18 for 18x9.5". I've also seen one recommendation for 275/40R18 on 18x9.5" wheels (or 275/35R19 on 19x9.5"), which is wider than typically recommended for 9.5" wide wheels, but does give some extra sidewall and tread.
It's worth noting that tires don't always follow the size spec exactly, e.g. 255/35R20 is supposed to be 27" but apparently some tires in that size consistently measure taller than that (and therefore don't quite fit when normally that size should fit).
The last thing I'll mention is the M3P "stepped hub" or "stepped lip" can be a minor complication in fitting aftermarket wheels. I went with wheels machined specifically for the M3P stepped lip. (Which of course should always come in a good offset for the M3P.) Many wheels not truly made for the M3P only need either a 3mm "step delete" spacer or a centering ring. (And more can fit with deeper spacers but that's another can of worms...I wouldn't bother with that unless you have a very specific goal/wheel in mind that really requires it.)
This long running thread is a good one to browse through:
Well, like the title says i'm interested in seeing what different wheels people are throwing on their model 3's. If you have some aftermarket wheels, or have seen some in the wild, post a picture of what you got!
teslamotorsclub.com