Thank you for sharing the story from the beginning to the end. Under the circumstances, all parties played their role well - perhaps aside from the car itself failing, but even that happens sometimes. Tesla's reaction seems good and I respect them for that. What it is, understandably, is always a souring experience for the end-user(s) - maybe others would have been more forgiving, others might have been even more infuriated, but in any case it sucks. Even so, it is also an important informative anecdotal experience, so I thank the OP for providing us with these pointers.
I think one important angle, from an EV adoption and social perspective, that some commenters clearly glossed over is the higher expectations set on a BEV compared to ICE or even hybrids when targeting a non-early adopter audience. It was once the same from horses to ICEs. It is no use bemoaning the fact, it remains a thing that will guide customer expectations and experiences for some time to come. From the get-go, I was very sympathetic to OP's concern and respect over his wife's reaction, because they are not unfamiliar concerns to me or a lot of people I know. This is a hill BEVs must climb and it doesn't help ICEs break down too (and they do). One, a new technology like BEV may have more common teething problems, so it is perfectly fair to put a finer tooth comb on Tesla issues (and BMW i3 issues which seem plenty), but just or more importantly it will have suspicion related to acceptance that will exaggreate the reaction towards any issues encountered. It doesn't make the OP or his wife unreasonable, it makes them human. Nobody should have to make a large investment like a car purchase with the mind that they need to cope with it, either it works for them or it doesn't (within one's means, of course).
One takeaway is that "going after" (as in some comments) the OP and his wife for their seemingly reactive decision-making is futile, because that won't win the day for BEVs overall, nor Tesla, nor will it help OP and his wife. This kind of stuff will continue to happen with others, too, so Tesla and communities need a constructive approach to it. In larger populations, statistics probably also play a part. I know this may differ from country to country, but there are some recent studies that women on average have a less trusting relationship with technology than men. That is, on average, it doesn't mean every man or woman are optimistic or pessimistic about technology respectively, of course. This is not to say one gender is right or wrong either, it just means one gender on average is a little more likely to downplay technological issues and the other is a little more likely to feel more strongly about them. Women, on average, also seem to be more safety conscious, so conservatice choices relate to that as well - offset some by the fact that on average women are more environmentally conscious than men. And I won't even go to the mined territory of which gender may prefer SUVs to children's practice runs...
Except to say the answer to the latter question is very different in Europe compared to North America.
In other words, men are, on average, doofuses that are more easily tricked into new technology that strands them on the side of the read. It's the same or similar reason that puts men into more accidents (on and off the road) as well. There is also the case of early adopters (which the OP may to an extent be) pushing their optimistic choices to their family members and relatives - sometimes maybe too soon for mutual comfort. Buying two P85D's at the same time certainly seems like that kind of a move, when the wife probably would have been happy remaining in an ICE SUV. I'm easily guilty of this kind of thinking sometimes, too, although OPs reasons for doing so may or may not be similar than mine. Anyway, I sympathize. It seems to me in the OPs case, the reasons for buying the second P85D weren't necessarily the wife's reasons in the first place, so it is more understandable for her to have suspicions. I don't necessarily think the OP was wrong to try, I think he was brave to try and it was good of his wife to accept to give it a go, but this time it just didn't work out to their personal standards and situation.
I do wish for the sake of both the OP and his wife that it would have worked out, because I too think his wife could have enjoyed the car over time, but also respect the fact that OP took his wife's ultimate concerns to heart and decided to postpone the decision for some years. That's love, too. What excites one group of customers does not necessarily excite the other. A Tesla is not necessarily a better experience at all if the BEV thing doesn't do it for you and you remain, for whatever reason, anxious about getting stranded at any given moment - no matter how irrational the thought. Not all will care about the genius of what Tesla is doing, some people just want to get from A to B within their comfort zone, and nothing wrong with that. For the OP's wife, Tesla failed to deliver within her personal comfort zone. That's just the way it went this time.
Either part of a couple having a more enthusiastic and the other a more reserved attitude towards BEVs is surely a reality - and to an extent a problem - in many homes. Sharing experiences about the social side of it all too, can be, if not always helpful, at least therapeutic. So, again, thank you and good luck. Also thank you to those that offered good speculation and experiences on the reasons why this happened (interesting 12V and contactor talk), and offered some suggestions as solutions (like buying the car). Good stuff, guys.
