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Model S: A Chick Magnate!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by sandstruck, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. sandstruck

    sandstruck Member

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    #1 sandstruck, Feb 11, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2013
    Dear Teslamotorsclub Forum,

    The following story is true. I’m willing to swear, in fact, on everything I hold sacred: my Model S, the newly released MS iPhone app, my retirement savings (87% in TSLA stock), and the success of SpaceX’s future expedition to Mars. I still can’t believe something like this actually happened to me!

    Anyway, before I took delivery of my Model S, I was pretty much a pathetic loser. My last real relationship, during my freshman year at college, was with an emaciated exchange student from Kazakhstan, who demanded fifty dollars cash and a pair of in-line skates before agreeing to a second date.

    I guess I wouldn’t consider myself handsome in the classic sense. I’m somewhat overweight and balding, I tend to suffer debilitating irregularity, I sweat profusely when nervous (and not nervous), and I have a chronic periodontal malady. I do have a killer credit score, however, and managed to secure PenFed financing at 1.49% for my Tesla, after nearly seventy phone calls to their hapless customer service representatives.

    During the seventeen months I waited for my vehicle, my fellow enthusiasts, I lusted over a particular Whole Foods Market checkout girl with remarkably healthy looking teeth and gums; let’s call her “Denise.” In my futile attempts to impress her and to establish my natural products credibility, I had purchased roughly fifteen hundred dollars worth of misshapen organic produce, fish oil extracts, and lemon verbena colon cleansers.

    But my romantic fortunes changed on a cold and blustery Chicago evening two weeks ago, when I pulled my brand new Metallic Blue, 85 kWh, Pano, Obeche Glossy, Air, Tech, 19”, No Premium Sound Model S into the reserved EV spot in front of the Whole Foods Market. I tried my hardest not to turn around and ogle my prized possession on my way into the grocery store—only a total DB does that—but how could I help myself?

    As I made my way to the snack aisle that fateful evening, I fondled the key fob in my pocket like a talisman. Notwithstanding the lone door handle on my car that wouldn’t retract, the notorious lack of parking sensors, and the perpetually Northern navigation perspective on the touchscreen, I owned the baddest car in the Wholefood’s lot. A beast.

    I placed my five bags of organic cheese & caramel popcorn blend on Denise’s conveyer belt, one of the bags nearly extinguished (I couldn’t resist the salty-sweet paradox). Besides the sweat drenched waistband of my Dockers and some unfortunate chafing along my inner thighs, my EV made me feel virile, empowered, “fully charged” as it were.

    “I seem to have forgotten my six-pack of vitamin water,” I told Denise.

    “We’re about to close,” she said curtly. I found myself distracted and slightly nauseated by the metallic hoop piercing her eyebrow, nearly the size of an old fashioned doorknocker. But who was I to be so finicky?

    “No sweat,” I said, which obviously wasn’t true; sweat pored down my forehead. I pretended to text someone, opening my iPhone app and remotely honking the horn of my car. “Looks like you have an admirer,” I said.

    “Excuse me?”

    “You have an admirer. That car outside is honking at you. Hear it…? And on three it’s going to flash its lights. One… two… three.”

    “What the hell?” she said.

    “It’s me. I’m doing it, I’m the admirer!” I couldn’t stop giggling. “I’m the one who’s honking the horn and flashing the lights!” I may have snorted.

    “Show me how you do that,” said Denise. She grabbed my phone and laid on the horn over and over. Her hyena like cackling didn’t bother me at the time because she smelled so wonderful, like spicy scented candles. In retrospect, I think I was smelling the spicy scented candle display next to the magazine rack.

    I almost had to pinch myself when Denise agreed to accompany me for a spin. “Hold on,” I told her, merging onto Lake Shore Drive. I hit the accelerator hard, maybe too hard, because we both screamed in terror. During my informative lecture on regenerative braking, she squeezed my thigh, nearly sending us careening into Lake Michigan.

    Denise didn’t much care for my taste in furnishings, declaring that my house reminded her of a funeral home. She insisted we return to my attached, two-car garage, to my Tesla, which I plugged-in and heated to a cozy 74 degrees. After listening to various Slacker selections for forty-five minutes, I commented: "Do you realize that carbon monoxide would have killed us by now had this been an ICE vehicle? Just think about that.” But Denise had other thoughts.

    I won’t describe what happened next. Suffice to say, I had to draw the line at her request to to get frunky in the frunk. “Sure it’s ample,” I said, “but not nearly ample enough.” I was concerned about the risk of hip dislocation, or the potential embarrassment and $100 dollar fee for a Ranger to come and extract us should we get stuck.

    Postscript:

    Since that magical first date, I’m sad to report that many of Denise’s qualities that I initially found so charming and quirky have become somewhat pathological. And for my safety, and that of my Model S, I’ve been forced to file a restraining order against her with the Chicago Police Department. But let the record state that I hold neither Elon nor the Tesla Motors Company responsible for this unfortunate turn of events.
     
  2. NigelM

    NigelM Recovering Member

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    Word of advice: It's not a good idea to hold 87% of your retirement savings in one stock.
     
  3. FlasherZ

    FlasherZ Sig Model S + Sig Model X + Model 3 Resv

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    If it's okay for Enron employees, it's okay for me, damn it!
     
  4. sp4rk

    sp4rk Banned

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    Great story!!!

    Ok, if you have pictures of this remarkable event, would you mind sharing them with us?

    Us being on the projector at our next lunch; next month! "Toi"; see below?

    And a copy of the restraining order? :tongue:

    I visit a different Whole Foods (Schaumburg) - EVSE not visible from check out area ... you must have better looking gals there or I am much older than you? Or ... or ...
     
  5. 7racer

    7racer Member

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    great story!!! Please tell me it's 100% true!

    hahaha pics of the restraining order or it didn't happen ;)
     
  6. dave

    dave Member

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    Hahah, awesome!! I lol'd irl.
     
  7. GasDoc

    GasDoc Member

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    Better lucky than good. I moved "all in" om AAPL at 80, two splits ago :)

    Back on topic, I was afraid that this posting was going to wind up like a Penthouse Forum letter!
     
  8. Krugerrand

    Krugerrand Active Member

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    Best story, ever! Sorry it didn't work out, but on the bright side there seems to be hope you'll not be alone with your sweat, chafed thighs, and vitamin water forever.
     
  9. wstuff

    wstuff Junior Member

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    Very funny story i could see the beads of sweat, just to follow the line of the thread, I stopped at the corner light today on my way to Lowes for some supplies and a Mazda with two very young and very cute girls pulled up behind me. i could see they were talking and the driver was paying attention to the rear of my car while they spoke, all of a sudden with a surprise on her face she turned to the other girl and by reading lips she said HOLY F(missed the rest of this word) THATS A TESLA) and then some kind of wordy blurb after that, the passenger immediately pulled down her sun visor and started checking her makeup. I laughed so hard it was like a scene in a movie, the light changed green and I pulled the corner and accelerated so they couldn't catchup to me and ruin their fantasy moment, it was priceless, I'm still giddy with a smile.Moral of the story, I still got it, but need a 100k car for the introduction.
     
  10. Jason S

    Jason S Model S Sig Perf (P85)

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    I lol'd. Funny stuff. Thanks!
     
  11. bint2k

    bint2k Member

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    someone should make a commercial about this...
     
  12. DCWitt

    DCWitt Member

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    Now, that is roll'in on the floor funny! I don't care who you are.
     
  13. Toasty

    Toasty Member

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    nice story.
     
  14. kinddog

    kinddog Banned

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    this seems to be the least of this guy's problems...
     
  15. StephenM

    StephenM Active Member

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    HAHAHAHA!! Very entertaining. You got mad writing skills :tongue:
     
  16. Zextraterrestrial

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    Excellent story!

    The car is a chick magnet. I have had several sets of 'hot' girls in cars pull up and mouth dirty words at my car :eek:
     
  17. Mycroft

    Mycroft Life happens

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    Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
     
  18. dave

    dave Member

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    I have yet to see one female look at my car twice. I get middle aged men drooling over it all the time though.

    My wife had a male Tesla "stalker" follow her to her destination the other day, get out, and start asking her questions about the car. She was a little freaked out.
     
  19. ToddRLockwood

    ToddRLockwood Active Member

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    I suspected that this might be the case—that a Model S is a chick magnet. From first-hand experience I can tell you that, believe it or not, this is NOT the case with a Ferrari. A Ferrari makes you "feel" sexy, but that doesn't necessarily carry over to the onlookers. Your primary audience whilst piloting a Ferrari or Lamborghini consists of guys in their twenties. They think you're awesome. Women, not so much.
     
  20. dave

    dave Member

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    Seriously though, are any cars chick magnets? I don't know too many chicks that are into cars at all. If your car is too nice you risk being put in the "compensating for something" category.
     

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