Perhaps that's because it's a purchase agreement, not a post-purchase agreement.
I cannot help you to help yourself. The offer from Tesla is out there. It's on you to take them up on it.
I'm not asking you to help me. I know that the happiness guarantee doesn't exist for non-lessees. You are the one who continues to insist it does, so I'm asking you to show me the guarantee. Like I said, a blog post is not legally binding. A written, signed purchase agreement is. No guarantee in that document. Thus, it doesn't exist.